The Expectations Have To Go Away
following on after my reading of Let Them + some golden Gottman research
I’ve told you I read the book by Mel Robbins, Let Them. So much good in that book. Interestingly to me, the “we are both experiencing the thing but in different ways” message (one of so many) I took from the book applies in estrangement. There is an account Mel gives of a person who has been critical of her husband’s health choices. Mel comments, “She can keep trying to influence him, but the expectations have to go, along with any complaining. This is about her, not about him.”
I believe this is what my kids and I have to get to. Because this shit over on my side of the street is about me not them and over on their side of the street it’s about them not me. And that’s where SO many of us get stuck because we hold these expectations that since we know what’s right (yep, go ahead and laugh-it IS funny-and untrue), we expect the people in our lives to listen to our opinions, explanations, admonitions.
That will not happen in estrangement.
Another thing Mel says when she’s talking about getting rid of those expectations is, “And by the way, your partner is facing the exact same heartbreak because they won’t compromise either”. Which can apply to every single relationship we have not only partnerships.
This is where the kids and I are at the moment I think. This not compromising. There is so much information online about estrangement now that wasn’t years ago. Some say never stop trying to contact. Some say don’t contact. Some say if they wanted to they would. Some say they are as wounded as you are so they can’t. Some say they/you are selfish. Some say hang on and it will all work itself out.
The thing is there is truth in every one of those takes. There is a grain that we need to pay attention to, and recognize that while this wildly epidemic thing of estrangement is happening; there in fact is nuance and uniqueness to all of our situations that does not fit tidily in some expert or non expert’s opinion piece. Including mine. There is no one size fits for all of our situations.
Part of Mel’s book is what comes after we finally really truly “let them”. And that’s “let me”. Let me, not in a self absorbed way that is negative. It’s a way that is meant to be growth focused.
And it’s the time in my life to say let me. Make a choice. And I have. And I hope my children might see they are part of that choice and both things - my choice of not doing things the way they wanted me to and my utter and absolute love for them - can exist together at the same time.
I’m not sure if the stats are still true found by the Gottman’s and written about in their article Solvable vs Perpetual Problems but if 69% of things in a relationship cant be resolved that’s abysmal and could be a major reason estrangements go on so long. Jesus.
While their research focuses on romantic partners, this kind of conflict bleeds over into parent/child relationships when children become adults. It’s something very important to consider when looking at why/when/how long adult children choose to estrange from a parent.
That nuance. My children took on roles in my life they never should have when I was not willing or able. There are aspects of that situation they see as my failure. Don’t get me wrong, I failed. I failed a lot. I’m fixing things in my life that I hope eventually overflow into them seeing the fixes they aren’t interested in or believe right now.
It’s important to understand that in fact there will be many of the things that we disagree on that will not change. In their lives or my life. And that’s what the Gottman’s research can help with. Gives me hope for. And I will keep writing about.
From the Gottman’s: “In other words, you value different things, and you have a different vision for how you want to live day-to-day and what you want to experience in your life. According to Dr. Gottman, almost all gridlock in your relationship comes from unfulfilled dreams.”
We all. Us. Our children. Need to understand there will be these truths in our lives and the hopeful part of me rests in that my children will see it before I die. That’s not morbid, that’s me understanding the moment of my life I’m in.
Thanks for reading, talk to you soon,
CindI